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Friday, December 24, 2004

Things to extirpate from Christmas once and for all...!!!

Each and every year, it never fails - the same damned things come back like they have before with sickening frequency and zombie-inane-like regularity...
It is time, I believe, to kick out some of those damnable bad habits, don't you agree? My top five things to extirpate from this greatest of holidays go like this...

No. 5- Santa Claus - you're out! You want old geezers who'll bring you lame gifts you see no rhyme nor reason to (though they are lame only in your poor uneducated eyes...) - then go for three of them rather than one - go for the Three Wise Men! (Although, just like the Three Musketeers, there were more than three... but I digress). Instantly, you've tripled your chances to get the gift that you really want (that is, if myrrh is it...!). Only downside is - you will have to await until the first week of January to finally collect on any goodies coming your way... and that is a bummer - right folks? :(
Still - if prolonging pleasure is good for the goose... it should please the gander as well... hmm? ;)

No. 4- Ban certain perennial musical so-called "favorites" - I don't know about any of you, but if I hear the ghost of John Lennon tell me one single extra time that "... so this is Christmas..." (duh) and ask me "... what have (I) done"... I shall not be responsible for my actions (meaning, what I might do to my stereo sound system...!!!). Have some Crash Test Dummies-style rendition of "Noel-Noel... Noel-Noel" instead... And all the FEED THE WORRRRRRLD one can tolerate at its loudest! But pleeeeeeeeeease... Lennon is dead. So is Nathalie Cole's career... So are the original artists who gave us most of the original classics... And as much as I like it, Jingle Bells Rock is downright annoying and gets on one's nerves, quite frankly, after a while...!!! So there...

No. 3- No more silly fake and bogus cutesy wootsy miracles (and no - by the way - I am not a relative of Scrooge... thanks for asking). The only miracle that really happened and is being remembered on the night of the 24th (even if it did not happen on a 24th of December...) is the coming of a newborn king - a Savior... Christ. Miraculous birth it was, being born to a virgin and all...
Thus, lay off the lame latest additions - 'miracles' such as a snowman or a snow... dog (...) simply springing to life and just in time to be enjoying the spirit of Christmas too.... sheesh.

No. 2- Dump the elves too - of course. When one cuts off the head (Santa), one has no use for the rest of the half-baked organization... eh? Besides, elves, to me, were always really too much leprechaun-like to be trusted... am I right, hmm?

No 1- Enough with the wreaths already!!! No one is dying - and we are not part of the cast of HBO's Six Feet Under... capisce? I'd rather be on The Sopranos anyway... if you know what I'm saying... hmm? ;)
With a name like mine, I am predestined for it... and I could get lucky too... maybe with, say... Lorraine Bracco? *LOL*

Enough said as it is...
Blessings amongst the Yuletidings...! ;)

P.S. - below you will find (as you already did HEAR IT) what NOT to extirpate from CHRISTmas - EVER!

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