Saturday, September 16, 2006
In this second installment of this less-than-serious and, thus, less-than-luminous series, the temperamental sidekick with an attitude (that's Voluminous Lad) learns a lesson that he will not soon forget in a tale one could only title... "Never cry wolf - especially not when you're like unto ripe-for-the-feasting sheep - in the wolfpack's eye!"
One afternoon, right after his break for an umpteenth snack and a cartoon, Voluminous Lad had a brilliant idea, or so he thought...
Why not send both Luminous Man and Voluptuous Woman out on a whole lot of wild goose chases - that way, he could relax, take it easy, kick back and "hold the fort" while they would be gone... And no harm would really be done to anyone that way! These wouldn't be "real threats" - see? Wink-wink... Both the "old man" and the "old woman" needed the exercise anyway... Nothing could possibly go wrong with this ingenious plan - put together in all of twenty-five seconds... if even that! No, nothing at all... Rrrrrrrrrrright...
Voluminous Lad wasted little time putting his mischievous plan to work at once - for there were more cartoons to watch and no time to spare getting the two bores out of the house already, indeed! Hence, he dashed into the "luminous room" - the nevralgic center of... the Luminous House! Also known as "luminous headquarters" - of course!
So, he dashed in there -and it was quite a rarity when Voluminous Lad would run anywhere- and proclaimed to Luminous Man that "uhhhhh... aliens... aliens have invaded the Main Mall! They look mean and... vicious and... they're taking everyone as prisoners!" he blurted out, so convinced was he that he was being convincing...
"I see..." responded Luminous Man, very calmly. "It could be much worse, you know, Voluminous Lad, my young friend..." he added, just a tad sardonically... "For they could be making NO prisoners at all!" he capped off, dramatically!
"Uh... yeah... true... Aren't you, like... going to investigate?" asked Voluminous Lad, growing impatient with each squandered second...
"I... suppose that I should, shouldn't I?" snapped back Luminous Man, skeptical about the whole affair... As well he should be! Before leaving though, he turned around and asked "where did you hear about this again...?"
"The news channel - where else?" replied Voluminous Lad promptly, and so sure of himself...!
"Hmm... but you never watch the news channel, usually!" retorted Luminous Man, ever more skeptical about everything...
"Uh... there was a pause... for technical difficulties, you know... on my cartoon channel... I zapped and zapped... and then the remote ran out of battery power just when I was passing by that damn news channel I hate so much!" answered Voluminous Lad, after minimal time spent coming up with all that - on the spot!!! He was visibly proud of himself too when he added "and that's that!", as a cherry on top statement of a sort...!
"Right. FINE. I'll go check... but you AND Voluptuous Woman hold the fort while I'm gone... A true MAJOR CALL FOR HELP might come in while I'm checking this "alien craze" out..." mumbled Luminous Man angrily as he dashed past the door, not giving his less-than-trustworthy sidekick a chance to reply to that one...!
Voluminous Lad was distraught. For all his wonderful stuff he had ad libbed with ease, he was still stuck with a chaperone! Not for long however... All he had to do was whip up something real fast and he would be rid of her too!
Hence, he went on the computer, made up an "informer e-mail address" and sent a bogus alarm to himself, Voluptuous Woman - and even a BCC to Luminous Man for good measure! Something about a super-villain congress in the underworld sponsored by bilderberg and freemasonry... The kind of stuff that conspiracy theorists dream of!!!
When he got his own message in his inbox, he cried out loud to get Voluptuous Woman off her voluptuous derrière from the luminous boudoir so that she could check it out and, most importantly, do something about it!
And so it went exactly as planned - she dashed out the door, making him promise to "hold the fort" and tell Luminous Man about this latest "crisis" the moment he came back... Which was a mere five minutes later!
A disgruntled Luminous Man heard the "bad news" with an ever-widening raised eyebrow of skepticism... Still, the lady had gone out to investigate this, and so he had to follow suit too! Once more, he left mumbling orders and not awaiting for any words of discontent over these orders...
There would be none, of course - not this time anyhow! All had worked splendidly well! Voluminous Lad's next move was to call and order a pizza for his next few hours of stress-free enjoyment!
Alas, stress-free the next few hours would certainly NOT be!
For starters, the pizza delivery boy wasn't who he was supposed to be - as he came in dressed as a devil for he was allegedly delivering for "Devilish Pizza From Outer Space" - a pizza joint that even Voluminous Lad should have known only existed in comic-books!!! The delivery boy was really an old foe, a psycho with impaler delusions, who started chasing Voluminous Lad around with his fork! Voluminous Lad shut himself off from the intruder by seeking refuge in the Luminous Panic Room! What a fine room it was too - equipped with all the tools required to keep abreast of what was happening in the world... That was, if you were Luminous Man or Voluptuous Woman! Voluminous Lad lacked the passwords to activate anything of value! He could still, at least, turn on the TV... Alas, what he saw once that TV lit up was not good news at all... to him personally!
The psycho he had let into the Luminous House inadvertently had taken possession of all the dangerous gizmos he had found there, abandoned by the pipsqueak that was supposed to be "holding the fort"... And now, the psycho was using all of these weapons on the entire neighborhood! He had set ablaze many houses already... INCLUDING THE LUMINOUS HOUSE! Voluminous Lad was contemplating an apocalyptic scene - AND a death by either asphyxiation or incineration! And that wouldn't be the worst part... The worst part would be to have to deal with Luminous Man and Voluptuous Woman afterwards!!! They wouldn't let his charred corpse or his ghost off that easy, you know... When one is luminous, one knows that death is not the end! When one is voluptuous... Ah, one is tenacious too? That must be it, yes... But we're digressing here - now back to mock storytelling! ;)
And that was when Voluminous Lad got lucky actually! Firefighters somehow managed to subdue the psycho (he is quite meek to tell the truth - didn't I mention it? Hence his ridiculous schemes for "revenge"...) and put out all the fires he had lit up...
However, Voluminous Lad's hopes that he would get off scot free were dashed when it became apparent that he was stuck in the Luminous Panic Room... He had to be freed by the returning Crusading Couple - and had to listen to a long and painful lecture on what to do and, especially, what NEVER TO DO AGAIN IF HE VALUED LIFE! His own that is! And life in general, sure... It had to be squeezed in there, somewhere, after all this had been a Luminous Lecture! :)
Friday, September 15, 2006
Let's just admire the sunset today...
Any words - even inspiring, luminous words - are superfluous sometimes...
Thursday, September 14, 2006
READ THIS SLOWLY - IT'S A KEEPER FOR SURE. THERE ARE SO MANY TRUTHS IN IT.
I believe- That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe- That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe- That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance Same goes for true love.
I believe- That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe- That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe- That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe- That you can keep going long after you can't.
I believe- That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe- That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe- That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I believe- That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe- That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe- That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe- That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe- That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe- That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe- That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you ve celebrated.
I believe- That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe- That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe- That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe- That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe- That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I believe- That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe- That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe- That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I believe- That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe- That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
As a side note, all that spam I have been receiving addressed to a certain "Lucian Nailo"... I do also believe that I am NOT "Lucian Nailo" - pass the word on that somewhat equally precious bit of knowledge, also...! ;)
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
1a. Save the trees. Not when they're down to a pulp now...
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2a. Opposites attract though - Night and Day - so, let the sunshine in, eh!
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3a. Use them wisely - remember that it is different strokes for different folks!
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4a. Thank God that I was not on a train of thought there and only on foot - ow, my foot!
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5a. The other 57.3 percent mark the spot - usually with chalk all around them.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6a. The one percent left go into politics.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7a. I fear no ticket-tendering officer. Not even a.l.f.y ones.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
8a. Those who really do though, have no D.L. - they're on the D.L.
(Baseball season in-joke - sue me)
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
9a. The other half you just don't know them well enough to be able to tell.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
10a. He who laughs best thinks and strikes lowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
11a. Rage is anger mixed-in with surexcitation, judgementalism and little or no sense of right-and-wrong...
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12a. Too bad that the cheese has mildew on it by then...
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
13a. Eat a lot, drive carelessly, leave a chubby corpse.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
14a. And some people, like bacteria, spread their opinion like wildfire...
They call that being trendy in certain circles...
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
15a. The winter months are an atrocious way to waste 40% of the year!
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
16a. Elephants, as we all know, are known as the greatest sinners the world has ever known, yes...
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
17a. Chances are though, if it is evitable, you will not deal with vending machines at all...
Three words for you: buy in bulk!
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
18a. Don't except to be in her good graces for years to come after she learns of this though...
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
19a. By the same token, expect a spontaneous generation of oxymorons to sprout out from your mouth each time you try to gear conversation towards your plans...
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
20a. Just don't bother to be humble - that's just too humiliating...
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
21a. Note to self: caring is not the same thing that it used to be in olden days...
22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise your hand...
22a. Rumors have it that Pamela Anderson has telekinetic abilities -
since her Baywatch debut in fact...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
23a. Dimwits can figure this one out - come on!
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
24a. By the same token, how can you spell-check your messages penned with invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
25a. Note to self: I can't quite put my finger on what seems to be going so well around here though...?!?
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
26a. It's time to head for that light at the end of the tunnel then...
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
27a. And our forefathers paid off all of our dues in the past - so, no worries! Keep the pace is all we need bother doing - following in another's footsteps!
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
28a. Enough celluloid has been wasted as it is anyway...
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
29a. And if G.I. Joe is so professional, where has all of his ammo gone?
Sold - to the Axis of Evil? Say it isn't so, Joe... :(
30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
30a. Also, weasels' toupees look more real than a bald eagle's...
31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
31a. Note to self: it is a good thing that not everything is cumulative, like air miles...
32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
32a. Alas, I couldn't remain close-minded to everything - lest I wind up voting for the Republicans.
33. Garage guy tells you: I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
33a. Thank God for those guidance counselor types that He sends our way so that a clear path or alternative starts becoming apparent to us, finally...
Oh, wait - it could be a trick from the other guy...
A louder horn - that little in-joke gave it all away,
you horny loud-mouth evil one you!
Go for a pit stop - NOW!
34. Slow guy asks you: Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
34a. Best reply: Their own conscience forces them to give you a chance to hazard a guess
and expose them as total and complete phoneys!
35. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
35a. Inside every crying baby is an angel wondering why he was cast down to this mudball in the first place!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred let me sow love
where there is injury, pardon
where there is anger, peace
where there is doubt, faith
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
O Divine Master,
grant I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console
to be understood as to understand
to be loved as to love
Monday, September 11, 2006
Today, I want to light a candle to both the 3,000 who died on this day, 5 years ago, but also -and perhaps mostly- to their bereaved families -the pain never goes away; the circumstances of the separation being what they are- and to the 12,000 who are slowly dying since that day, of respiratory problems, lung conditions, cancer - all caused by the deadly toxins found in the dust of 9/11
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Tomorrow will be the date marking the fifth anniversary of that tragic and momentous event that shook America to its core; when they were finally hit on their own turf, whether they were taken by surprise or allowed themselves to be hit is another story... Yes, I know, another digression...
It just comes off as too convenient a coincidence that our dear Dubya was quoted saying that "the only time to use Social Security money is in times of war, times of recession, or times of severe emergency", a mere five days before hitting 'trifecta' with the 9/11 attacks of 2001. As it was way too convenient that a "war broke out" just when there was a need to deflect attention from said recession, the oil craving and Dubya's ineptitude, all at once... But I am ever digressing here, aren't I?
Our grand-parents may be going soon - or they are gone already. All the more reason to honor them today.
Over 3000 lives were lost five years ago - all the more reason to honor them tomorrow (tomorrow being in bold because, in Canada, with their reverse near-Dubyan logic, they are not sure when to do that it seems. At all, eh? The illustrious -to some- CBC will air more than one 9/11 documentary TODAY... But notning commemorative is scheduled for tomorrow, because they will be airing another damnable "VANITY FEST" THINGIE aka another award ceremony! This one will even herald the (mercifully temporary) return to television of one Canadian "icon" Anne Murray. Yay. For the life of me, I cannot believe that the Dalai Lama would want to accept becoming an honorary Canadian citizen, but I guess anywhere is better than oppression... Digression again; don't mention it...
I would like today to mention another one worth honoring and remembering too.
Anna Lindh, a Swedish politician, who was stabbed to death on this day, back in 2003.
Lindh was a Swedish Social Democrat and an important proponent of the European Union. She was Chairman of the Council of the European Union in 2001 and, at the time of her murder, a prime candidate to become the next President of the Social Democrats and Prime Minister of Sweden. She was attacked just prior to a Swedish referendum on the Euro, at the height of a public campaign she led for the approval of the currency.
More on Anna Lindh - here