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Saturday, September 09, 2006

The Adventures of Luminous Man, Voluminous Lad And Voluptuous Woman! - Part One

Serialized fiction for your reading pleasure, L.O.V.s! And at no extra cost to a single one of you! I.S.P.s are hurting the L.O.V.s enough as it is without me, thy luminous acerbic scribe, master of sarcastic witticisms and sardonic repartee (but the latter is for message boards... Boars? Bores!) and so-very kind humanist, adding to your strife and internet surfing costs!
No way! I am kind! I care! I do! I really do!

Okay, enough already - let's save the sappy stuff for the actual piece of fiction here! Chapter one of an uncanny and mesmerizing saga, one that comes to you straight out of nowhere too (the idea for it came when I was bored out of my wits - isn't that promising and exciting, folks, eh?)

So here we go with PART ONE: "There's nothing to it!"

It was another sunny morning, just like the ones they have when London is caught in the thickest fog since Jack was in town...
It was, hence, the perfect time for Luminous Man to don his luminous suit and go out to fight injustice... By doing the groceries first thing in the morning!

Sparing the cashier girl one extra rush hour customer would do wonders for everyone's stress - including his own. Luminous Man loathed wasting his luminous time on a not-so-luminous line at the check-out counter of his decidedly NOT luminous grocer! It had happened repeatedly over the years and the conversations struck up then, with the other ones waiting in line with his luminous person, had not thrilled Luminous Man one tiny luminous bit at all!

All of that is another story though - better saved for part ninety-one... If there is one!

Before heading out though, luminous grooming was required. For, ever since Bill Maher exposed the middle-class and what they wear to go to the supermarket, Luminous Man took it upon his luminous self to set the example by treating a "running errands outing" as if it were a night out at the Apollo - no less! Only the best dressed shall buy groceries - a new commandment right there! Thanks a million, Mr. Maher, for the inspiration...

After the painful process of putting on the luminous spandex suit - the one that magnified the luminous pecs and biceps, ten-fold - Luminous Man was ready for the most difficult task yet, so far, on this ominous -not luminous- morning like no other mornings at all, save 365 other ones each year... He was ready to ask Voluptuous Woman if she wanted anything!

Voluptuous Woman, mind you, was still occupying the bathroom - since around 5AM, roughly speaking - and was far from done yet... It appeared that, as with any other independent, self-reliant, feisty-tempered, autonomous but not autophagous too much, debonair, reliable, competent and in-style modern woman of the new millennium, Voluptuous Woman would get anything she might want HERSELF!

That was a relief, of course, for Luminous Man had no interest in scavenging the women's hygiene products aisle... Or any other aisle that was of interest to women, their pets, their hygiene and any combination or derivative of the three!

Alas, in came Voluminous Lad at that crucial -not luminous- point... It amazed Luminous Man to see the lad up so early... Then he remembered that the boy had not even GONE TO BED YET...!!! Time sure does fly by fast when one is 15 years-old, without a care in the world, x-box - will not travel, starts playing on the damn thing around midnight and does not let up until dawn... The creature now - yes, we are still talking about Voluminous Lad here - wanted breakfast... With special emphasis on the "fast"! Luminous Man was ever more impressed by such resolutions coming from this, after all and against all odds, fine young "man"...

"Fine initiative, Voluminous Lad! Fasting is good for the soul, the mind, the spirit... And it certainly will do wonders for that voluminous body of yours there! Combine the benefits of all four, and I do believe we will have to call you "Minus Lad" very soon - with all the weight that you will be losing in record time!" said Luminous Man, proudly and with a tear in his eye...

"Uh... Whatever, man!" responded Voluminous Lad with a smirk on his ungrateful chubby visage. "If I'm going to be called "Minus Lad"... Are you going to become "Diminutive Man" soon too? Like... I heard the not-so luminous lamentations emanating from the "luminous bedroom" there... And those were definitely NOT cries of ecstasy that I heard in there...!"

"That will be enough mixing the hellacious, pornographically-unrealistic worlds of your silly little videogaming habit, lad, with the harsh reality of thy hopeless quest to attain luminous manhood comparable to what stands before you!!! Thy mother and I have nothing to explain to you..." admonished Luminous Man immediately, burning with... Ah, luminous righteous anger! What else? He then added, only to himself... "Note to self: we should have enhanced the insonorisation of the room after all - the kid appears to be developing supra-hearing, along with acne... He may yet be one of them "ecch-factors" after all...!"

Just then, Voluptuous Woman finally came out of the bathroom, looking like a million bucks... And costing just about as much in healthcare and beauty products too, annually! It was coming out of her paycheck anyway, as she was constantly seeing electronic funds being transferred into her chequing account that originated from her number one fans, the kind old ladies from the Woman's League. They sure were a league of their own... Most men were out of their league there! No denying that they were in league with some higher power, those broads... Okay, enough with the league puns!

Luminous Man's eyes were ever more teary - not from any joy of seeing the woman he thought lost forever in the tub or upon the throne, mind you, but rather from the fumes emanating freely now from the aforementioned bathroom!

"Egad, Voluptuous Woman! Don't you know that those cans of hairspray are dangerous?!?" asked Luminous Man defiantly...!

"They may be - but I assure you that there is far greater danger to the world if a woman has her hair all messed up by the wind on her way to the supermarket...!" she enthused, just as defiantly and even an iota moreso...! "If such a tragedy was to occur, who knows how many might perish during the rampage that would follow?" she added, with not-so false bravado either!

"Aye... Too true." admitted Luminous Man, unable to admonish anymore at this point. "Especially if the dame is driving there... Alas!" he added, sadness in his sparkling luminous eyes. "It is your car though...!" he concluded, with resignation as to the fate of the world...

"Yes, it is!" confirmed Voluptuous Woman, falsely coyly.

"Onwards then, everyone! Onwards to the foul territory of mercantilism known as that evil Grocer's lair!" declared Luminous Man, after having sealed the bathroom door.
Voluminous Lad grumbled his discontent but sleepwalked to the car nonetheless, in record time.

In a matter of seconds -which says volumes about Voluptuous Woman's driving right there- the terrific trio was on the site of many crimes against health, economics, public hygiene, the environment and, of course, good old-fashioned common sense!

Scurrying the aisles, the three of them soon amassed enough goods to sustain three dozen third world families. And at a third of the cost there too. They were very much ashamed, but hey... A terrific trio's got to eat!

The grocer's tenebrous gaze never left the trio the whole time that they unloaded the merchandise upon the check-out counter. Finally, it came to a point when Luminous Man had to address the situation - mano-a-mano!

"What are you looking at... Fatso?" asked in a totally "unluminous" manner our no longer Luminous Man - for he had been possessed by the dark forces of... Consumerism!

"Hey - I'm not the only one who's fat around here! Have you taken a good look at the kid yet - huh?" retorted a royally pissed-off evil grocer!

"I'm not "fat" - you are! I'm just "calories-challenged" that's all!" snapped back Voluminous Lad, more than able to speak for himself, quite obviously! He even added "I'm still growing towards my apex - but you, grocer-man, you're way past your prime! You peeked - in the grotesquely obese category - yeeeeears ago and are now ever closer to going DOWN... Fatso Schmuckso style!"

Several hours later, as everyone was being escorted into the big basket by the constabulary force, someone from the press managed to ask our luminous trio how they had managed to create such havoc while merely running some very basic errands on a Saturday morning...!?

Luminous Man paused for a luminous second or two before spouting out that most luminous of explanations: "there really is nothing to it!"



That was Indubitably one of the funniest things I have read in a long time!

It made me laugh so hard IRL. Thanks so much for the many laughs. I needed that.

You are Indubitably a Terrific writer!

I look forward to reading more of this Great Series!

Keep the Laughs Coming!

God Bless You Luce (\ô/)
Inspiration hit me for this spoof as I had truly nothing to do at all...

Which is odd in itself - because I have too much to do, all the time, and yet I find myself in situations that are only good at wasting my time! But I digress...

This time out though, even though I did not bother with jotting down the idea, it was so simple that it did not escape my mind and I remembered it long after... In fact, I wrote this first chapter in one sitting, right after remembering the "high concept" here!

In the past, I have not been so lucky with, assuredly, better ideas! I had brilliant flashes, did not bother to jot anything down, and next thing I knew, I had forgotten it all! :(

I console myself at times like these telling myself that those must have been "impractical ideas" for me... Meaning that those were ideas that I would not have had the resources, chances, opportunities or plain old luck to realize. I can have ALL THE IDEAS IN THE WORLD... However, one needs to have the means to see come to fruition - and not everyone is given those means (no, not by the Good Lord, but by the Powers That Be!!! Talent is seldom part of the equation when the PTBs are involved... But that is another sordid story, yeah! As amusing, in its own way, as the first episode that you just read...!)

Glad you liked it!
Tis my way to bring back some of the good old Saturday morning fun - with a twist, surely, but still reeking of genuine nostalgia for a bygone era - when we were all more innocent and more carefree.

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