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Saturday, September 16, 2006

The Adventures of Luminous Man, Voluminous Lad & Voluptuous Woman - Part Deux

(For best results, read the following in a 1950s ominous announcer with deep dramatic-even-if-unnecessary-intonations style and with a hoarse, raspy voice...!)

In this second installment of this less-than-serious and, thus, less-than-luminous series, the temperamental sidekick with an attitude (that's Voluminous Lad) learns a lesson that he will not soon forget in a tale one could only title... "Never cry wolf - especially not when you're like unto ripe-for-the-feasting sheep - in the wolfpack's eye!"

One afternoon, right after his break for an umpteenth snack and a cartoon, Voluminous Lad had a brilliant idea, or so he thought...

Why not send both Luminous Man and Voluptuous Woman out on a whole lot of wild goose chases - that way, he could relax, take it easy, kick back and "hold the fort" while they would be gone... And no harm would really be done to anyone that way! These wouldn't be "real threats" - see? Wink-wink... Both the "old man" and the "old woman" needed the exercise anyway... Nothing could possibly go wrong with this ingenious plan - put together in all of twenty-five seconds... if even that! No, nothing at all... Rrrrrrrrrrright...

Voluminous Lad wasted little time putting his mischievous plan to work at once - for there were more cartoons to watch and no time to spare getting the two bores out of the house already, indeed! Hence, he dashed into the "luminous room" - the nevralgic center of... the Luminous House! Also known as "luminous headquarters" - of course!

So, he dashed in there -and it was quite a rarity when Voluminous Lad would run anywhere- and proclaimed to Luminous Man that "uhhhhh... aliens... aliens have invaded the Main Mall! They look mean and... vicious and... they're taking everyone as prisoners!" he blurted out, so convinced was he that he was being convincing...

"I see..." responded Luminous Man, very calmly. "It could be much worse, you know, Voluminous Lad, my young friend..." he added, just a tad sardonically... "For they could be making NO prisoners at all!" he capped off, dramatically!

"Uh... yeah... true... Aren't you, like... going to investigate?" asked Voluminous Lad, growing impatient with each squandered second...

"I... suppose that I should, shouldn't I?" snapped back Luminous Man, skeptical about the whole affair... As well he should be! Before leaving though, he turned around and asked "where did you hear about this again...?"

"The news channel - where else?" replied Voluminous Lad promptly, and so sure of himself...!

"Hmm... but you never watch the news channel, usually!" retorted Luminous Man, ever more skeptical about everything...

"Uh... there was a pause... for technical difficulties, you know... on my cartoon channel... I zapped and zapped... and then the remote ran out of battery power just when I was passing by that damn news channel I hate so much!" answered Voluminous Lad, after minimal time spent coming up with all that - on the spot!!! He was visibly proud of himself too when he added "and that's that!", as a cherry on top statement of a sort...!

"Right. FINE. I'll go check... but you AND Voluptuous Woman hold the fort while I'm gone... A true MAJOR CALL FOR HELP might come in while I'm checking this "alien craze" out..." mumbled Luminous Man angrily as he dashed past the door, not giving his less-than-trustworthy sidekick a chance to reply to that one...!

Voluminous Lad was distraught. For all his wonderful stuff he had ad libbed with ease, he was still stuck with a chaperone! Not for long however... All he had to do was whip up something real fast and he would be rid of her too!

Hence, he went on the computer, made up an "informer e-mail address" and sent a bogus alarm to himself, Voluptuous Woman - and even a BCC to Luminous Man for good measure! Something about a super-villain congress in the underworld sponsored by bilderberg and freemasonry... The kind of stuff that conspiracy theorists dream of!!!

When he got his own message in his inbox, he cried out loud to get Voluptuous Woman off her voluptuous derrière from the luminous boudoir so that she could check it out and, most importantly, do something about it!

And so it went exactly as planned - she dashed out the door, making him promise to "hold the fort" and tell Luminous Man about this latest "crisis" the moment he came back... Which was a mere five minutes later!

A disgruntled Luminous Man heard the "bad news" with an ever-widening raised eyebrow of skepticism... Still, the lady had gone out to investigate this, and so he had to follow suit too! Once more, he left mumbling orders and not awaiting for any words of discontent over these orders...

There would be none, of course - not this time anyhow! All had worked splendidly well! Voluminous Lad's next move was to call and order a pizza for his next few hours of stress-free enjoyment!

Alas, stress-free the next few hours would certainly NOT be!

For starters, the pizza delivery boy wasn't who he was supposed to be - as he came in dressed as a devil for he was allegedly delivering for "Devilish Pizza From Outer Space" - a pizza joint that even Voluminous Lad should have known only existed in comic-books!!! The delivery boy was really an old foe, a psycho with impaler delusions, who started chasing Voluminous Lad around with his fork! Voluminous Lad shut himself off from the intruder by seeking refuge in the Luminous Panic Room! What a fine room it was too - equipped with all the tools required to keep abreast of what was happening in the world... That was, if you were Luminous Man or Voluptuous Woman! Voluminous Lad lacked the passwords to activate anything of value! He could still, at least, turn on the TV... Alas, what he saw once that TV lit up was not good news at all... to him personally!

The psycho he had let into the Luminous House inadvertently had taken possession of all the dangerous gizmos he had found there, abandoned by the pipsqueak that was supposed to be "holding the fort"... And now, the psycho was using all of these weapons on the entire neighborhood! He had set ablaze many houses already... INCLUDING THE LUMINOUS HOUSE! Voluminous Lad was contemplating an apocalyptic scene - AND a death by either asphyxiation or incineration! And that wouldn't be the worst part... The worst part would be to have to deal with Luminous Man and Voluptuous Woman afterwards!!! They wouldn't let his charred corpse or his ghost off that easy, you know... When one is luminous, one knows that death is not the end! When one is voluptuous... Ah, one is tenacious too? That must be it, yes... But we're digressing here - now back to mock storytelling! ;)

And that was when Voluminous Lad got lucky actually! Firefighters somehow managed to subdue the psycho (he is quite meek to tell the truth - didn't I mention it? Hence his ridiculous schemes for "revenge"...) and put out all the fires he had lit up...

However, Voluminous Lad's hopes that he would get off scot free were dashed when it became apparent that he was stuck in the Luminous Panic Room... He had to be freed by the returning Crusading Couple - and had to listen to a long and painful lecture on what to do and, especially, what NEVER TO DO AGAIN IF HE VALUED LIFE! His own that is! And life in general, sure... It had to be squeezed in there, somewhere, after all this had been a Luminous Lecture! :)

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Comments:
Luciano,

You did it again!! You made me laugh. :) You wrote an awesome story!!

Voluminous Lad needs a good Luminous Spanking!

I can't wait to see what the next story in this Luminous series will be!

God Bless You Luce (\ô/)
((HUGE HUGS))
Countess
 
*LOL*
One luminous spamking to go...
Spam king?!?
What a typo!
Now here's a crown no one wants to be wearing!

Glad you liked it! :)
As you know, it is a tour de force for me to be humorous this year - must be my self-prescribed therapy, cause docs and me don't mix - even less shrinks! GOD is my Doctor - for everything! :)

He Prescribed humor as a natural antidote for my sadness - and so it shall be!

He made me with this sense of humor I have to begin with, anyway! :)

God Always Gives us all the tools we need...
 
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