Wednesday, September 13, 2006
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
1a. Save the trees. Not when they're down to a pulp now...
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2a. Opposites attract though - Night and Day - so, let the sunshine in, eh!
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3a. Use them wisely - remember that it is different strokes for different folks!
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4a. Thank God that I was not on a train of thought there and only on foot - ow, my foot!
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5a. The other 57.3 percent mark the spot - usually with chalk all around them.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6a. The one percent left go into politics.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7a. I fear no ticket-tendering officer. Not even a.l.f.y ones.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
8a. Those who really do though, have no D.L. - they're on the D.L.
(Baseball season in-joke - sue me)
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
9a. The other half you just don't know them well enough to be able to tell.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
10a. He who laughs best thinks and strikes lowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
11a. Rage is anger mixed-in with surexcitation, judgementalism and little or no sense of right-and-wrong...
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12a. Too bad that the cheese has mildew on it by then...
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
13a. Eat a lot, drive carelessly, leave a chubby corpse.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
14a. And some people, like bacteria, spread their opinion like wildfire...
They call that being trendy in certain circles...
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
15a. The winter months are an atrocious way to waste 40% of the year!
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
16a. Elephants, as we all know, are known as the greatest sinners the world has ever known, yes...
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
17a. Chances are though, if it is evitable, you will not deal with vending machines at all...
Three words for you: buy in bulk!
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
18a. Don't except to be in her good graces for years to come after she learns of this though...
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
19a. By the same token, expect a spontaneous generation of oxymorons to sprout out from your mouth each time you try to gear conversation towards your plans...
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
20a. Just don't bother to be humble - that's just too humiliating...
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
21a. Note to self: caring is not the same thing that it used to be in olden days...
22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise your hand...
22a. Rumors have it that Pamela Anderson has telekinetic abilities -
since her Baywatch debut in fact...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
23a. Dimwits can figure this one out - come on!
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
24a. By the same token, how can you spell-check your messages penned with invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
25a. Note to self: I can't quite put my finger on what seems to be going so well around here though...?!?
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
26a. It's time to head for that light at the end of the tunnel then...
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
27a. And our forefathers paid off all of our dues in the past - so, no worries! Keep the pace is all we need bother doing - following in another's footsteps!
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
28a. Enough celluloid has been wasted as it is anyway...
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
29a. And if G.I. Joe is so professional, where has all of his ammo gone?
Sold - to the Axis of Evil? Say it isn't so, Joe... :(
30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
30a. Also, weasels' toupees look more real than a bald eagle's...
31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
31a. Note to self: it is a good thing that not everything is cumulative, like air miles...
32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
32a. Alas, I couldn't remain close-minded to everything - lest I wind up voting for the Republicans.
33. Garage guy tells you: I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
33a. Thank God for those guidance counselor types that He sends our way so that a clear path or alternative starts becoming apparent to us, finally...
Oh, wait - it could be a trick from the other guy...
A louder horn - that little in-joke gave it all away,
you horny loud-mouth evil one you!
Go for a pit stop - NOW!
34. Slow guy asks you: Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
34a. Best reply: Their own conscience forces them to give you a chance to hazard a guess
and expose them as total and complete phoneys!
35. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
35a. Inside every crying baby is an angel wondering why he was cast down to this mudball in the first place!
I like your addendums on those luminous thoughts. :)
I love the way you put your luminous twist on things. It makes things much more interesting.
God Bless You Luce (\ô/)
I hope everyone gets it immediately too - the addendums are my own luminous penmanship - the first lines are someone else's! (The ever-popular "anonymous" - boy, does this guy get published often or what? LOL